If Christmas is about helping people in need, then this is a Christmas story.
On December 11, almost seven months after she was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and only a day short of her 34th birthday, my daughter, Sarah, passed away.
I am not going to write here about our grief, or the devastating loss her absence leaves for all who loved her, especially her husband and five young children.
Instead, I want to write about how my husband and I survived the transition from a peaceful retirement to the 60+ hour a week job of helping to care for her and her children while she was ill, how we were able to sustain the privilege of being able to be with her for her last seven months of life. The short version is that we didn’t do it alone. First, we didn’t come close to the even longer hours and herculean efforts that her husband, Brent, put in. And second, well, we had a village.
There is a meme going around FB that says instead of telling people in crisis that God won’t give them more than they can bear, how about showing up to do a few loads of laundry? We have been surrounded by people who live that meme, by people who have shown us what love looks like.
Her friends organized a fundraising campaign almost immediately after the cancer diagnosis through https://www.youcaring.com/sarah-dunaway-361857. and not only did many friends and family donate, but also people who didn’t know Sarah at all, but who wanted to help a young mother with cancer.
Her friends also created a signup sheet to coordinate service through Volunteer Spot, https://www.volunteerspot.com/. In addition, members of her local church group worked to help us. Here is just a partial list of their constant and ongoing efforts:
A neighbor, who lost her own husband to colon cancer, came over and mowed the lawn every week or ten days all through the summer, and another neighbor raked up all the autumn leaves.
We had meals brought in twice a week (three times a week for awhile) and cleaning crews show up every week. And a group of nine or ten women came for four hours on a Saturday before Thanksgiving and did a thorough deep cleaning of the house.
After the first month here, when my spouse and I discovered we were burning out watching the kids while Brent was at work—not because of the kids, who are wonderful, but because they are kids, with kid energy and we are old and tired–we asked for help. After that, babysitting was added to the sign up list, and we had people show up five days a week for a couple of hours to give us a break and some personal time. In addition, Brent’s and my family members regularly came by to babysit or take the kids on outings. We wouldn’t have made it without them.
Sarah’s friends put up all her Christmas decorations and decorated
two beautiful trees because they knew how much Sarah loved Christmas, and they regularly visited her and brought her lunch and goodies.
Sarah and Brent were able to take the kids to Disneyland because of the generosity of his boss and my niece’s family.
Youth groups weeded the yard and made gift baskets for the kids, as well as frozen casseroles for us to heat up on days we didn’t want to have to cook.
Hospice nurses went above and beyond the call of duty to help make my daughter as comfortable as possible. Their assistance allowed her to die at home surrounded by loving family.
These acts of kindness came from busy people with children of their own, jobs, and lots of reasons that they shouldn’t have time or means to help us. They continued to help us, not just for a week or two, but for seven months, and the help is still ongoing.
They are the face of love, and they have eased the way of our terrible journey.
Thank-you for sharing this so beautifully Sue. It’s been a truly beautiful part of the special spirit I feel at Christmas time.
Thanks, Lanell!
Ohh that was beautiful to know that so many reached out and actually made a difference for her and her family. Truly God’s grace was there in the midst of all the chaos and the quiet.
Thanks! I agree.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this story about wonderful people.
Sherwood, you’re welcome. This is more personal than I like to get on the web, but I felt the story needed to be told.
So sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on Nov 11th, so I understand what caring for someone with terminal cancer is all about. Being surrounded by family and friends during the past few months of his illness was a blessing. Several weeks of meals delivered to us by friends each day was unbelievably helpful.
Kathy, my condolences to you on the loss of your husband. How wonderful that you had such help.
This is a testament to the love your daughter shared with the world and the repayment of that love to her and her family. It does take a village to get through a crisis, and this was a big transition. Hugs to you and your extended family. May her loving spirit be held in your hearts and all those who knew her. May you speak of her often and share the many stories of her life with her children as they grow. May you find peace in the passing of time. The hurt and the missing never go away, but they do become more bearable.
Thanks for those beautiful words, Maggie. (Incidentally, Shadow has turned out to be a great city dog. Who knew? 🙂 )
Sue, I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing worse than losing a child. Iam not sure if you remember me, I used to be married to Hank Gans and worked on the reservation as a nurse. What a beautiful essay about your daughter and her tourney. U agree with you true religion is doing for others. After Hank left I was lost I decided to get up and help people in need. It was the right thing to do. Your daughter’s life may have been short but she was rich in friends and family. She will always be alive in your hearts and her children’s smiles.
Kathy, I remember you well! Thanks for your kind words.
Susan,
I’m so sorry to hear that Sarah passed away, but I’m touched that her community pitched in to help and showed how much they loved her. Wishing you some space and peace in your grief.
Thanks so much, Melissa.
You don’t know me, but I am so very sorry for your loss! My parents’ friend lost a child in 1988 and I know that it is devastating! My wish for you and your family it that you find the strength to get through one day at a time!!
Thanks, Linda.
I don’t have the words to make you feel better. I am just so sorry that I didn’t get a chance to know Sarah. I am sorry for your loss. That’s a beautiful blog post, and thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your kind words. We have been blessed by how many people loved and cared for Sarah.
Susan,
I am so sorry for your loss. As a mother who has lost 2 children, I know what you are going through right now. My strong faith and wonderful support of family and friends were what helped me the most. Your family and friends really are there for you. And what they can’t help you with, take to our heavenly Father. I will pray for peace and comfort for you and your family at this time.
Lori, thanks. And my condolences to you on having lost two children. So very hard.
That was so wonderful, Sue. I am always happy to hear that love and compassion and sharing are still alive in the world.
Thanks, Thea.
Susan I am so grateful that you chose to share this with me. What a beautiful lovely daughter. I know that Brent is one special man and so bless to have her in his life to cherish and care for her.
My daughter is 34 also and born on Dec. 12. A mother of seven. Your daughter reminds me of her Thank you for sharing her with me. She has and had a jewel in you and your husband. Families are forever and we are left to endure our grief and with time things will be sorted out. But until then the one thing I have learned with this grief is not that it is a “getting through grief” “but enduring grief”. Our timing is not the Lords timing and someday we will know the “why’s”. But for now it is a walk of faith. What a beautiful family. You had shared some wedding photos of one of your daughters getting married. You were in a Red dress. Is this the same daughter? I always enjoy seeing you and had no idea you were going through all this. You are amazing truly.
Thanks, Judy, for reading the blog. The wedding photos on FB where we are dressed in red was that of my son, Jonathan. (He and his wife still spend one day a week helping Brent with the kids.)
You are right about enduring rather than getting through grief.